| A |
Objective Local Real Time Display - Instantaneous local time corrected for gravitational variations in spacetime, relativistic speed effects, and local social customs. |
| B |
Daylight Savings Time Display - Useful for those stranded in any of the backward regions in which this obtuse mass self-deception is still practiced. |
| C |
Subjective Time Display - Time as we perceive it is merely the orthogonal projection of a function that actually extends across many dimensions (hence its apparent "flying" and "dragging"). The ST display uses hands that leave the plane and a mechanism to raise and lower the entire face in order to provide a full representation of the inherent complexities. |
| D |
Approximate Time Display - Position and velocity with respect to spacetime are inversely accurate according to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, thus, the use of approximate time (this display uses an hour hand only) allows you to pinpoint your location with greater precision. |
| E |
Elapsed Time Display - Shows total time elapsed since time began. The eight visible hands display hours, minutes, days, fortnights, pentads, septicentenaries, galactic revolutions and eternities. There is also a moment hand which moves too quickly to be seen by the naked eye. |
| F |
Elapsed Time Alarm - Clapper rings when time is up. A five-minute warning light is provided for convenience. |
| G |
Time Quality Indicator - Shows time quality on a scale of zero to ten, with zero and ten being generally accepted as equivalent according to modern theories of fun/benefit analysis. |
| H |
Manual "Bar Time" Adjustment Dial - Time in drinking establishments is usually set some minutes ahead to provide an artificial cushion at last call, facilitating peaceful patron removal. This function is also useful for those who set their watches ahead in an attempt to correct for chronic lateness. |
| I |
Adjustable Method Gearing - Allows the unit to use any standard time measurement system: lunar, solar, lunisolar, galactic, sidereal, geologic, dynamical, atomic, archaic, hyperbolic, eclectic or biological. |
| J |
Analog Gravometer - A horizontal hourglass filled with variant-density salts is used to measure localized gravitational effects on spacetime without losses from digital conversion. |
| K |
Attitude Resonance Flywheel - Compensates for local cultural perceptions of time and the relative stringency or laxity thereof. |
| L |
Gabioa 86AA Enthusiasm Interpolation Engine - State-of-the-art engine for maximally responsive subjective time readings. |
| M |
Steam Power - Ensures reliable operation even when light years away from external power sources. |
| N |
Advisory Lights - In case of indecision. |
| O |
Forward/Reverse (leave at factory setting) |
| P |
Horizontal and Vertical Hold |
